You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize
