my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
