Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
