Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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