and next time when you feel me up, do it right
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
