How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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