is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
