I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
