I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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