Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
my poor anus
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
