Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Who did Billy Mays play for?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
