I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
