John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I am available for nakedness
Pants are for mortals
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