I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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