I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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