I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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