I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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