Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
