I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
