I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
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