How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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