I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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