I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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