So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
