dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
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