the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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