i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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