I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
