I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
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