I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
