I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
