Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
