My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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