I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
