don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
