how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize