Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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