I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Randomize
