who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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