I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
