If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
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