i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We are all done wearing pants today
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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