I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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