dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
