I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
