can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
