Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
