Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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