hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
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