so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My pussy is not your playground.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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