I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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