I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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