he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
did i just pee glitter
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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